James F. Sennet on Doubtful Belief
I have doubts. I think I know too much for it to be otherwise. And I think I'm far too honest with myself about the best that unbelief has to offer. I have not mastered the blissful ignorance or self-deception that so many conservative or evangelical Christians manage to shelter themselves with. I don't mean that to sound perjorative, but the fact of the matter is that I find it very difficult to convince very many "Bible believing" Christians that the case for unbelief has a single shred of intellectual strength, and that really bothers me.
I do have to say that my faith has evolved in recent years to something that most conservatives or evangelicals might not consider "true Christianity." That's okay, though. I long ago stopped worrying about what anybody else thinks of my faith. I have withdrawn from most forms of church leadership — I am honestly tired of the hassle, tired of the crap, and just plain tired. Furthermore, I find it harder and harder to sanction the bigotry and hard-heartedness that so often goes under the guise of redemptive behavior. Also, I'm much more inclined to a broadly inclusivistic respect for and even openness to other religious traditions, to the point that I am not ready to express anything like the quasi-exclusivistic "There is no other name" xenophobia that most conservative Christians insist on as a sine qua non of the faith.
When you add all of this together with the fact that several years ago I was divorced and remarried, I do tend to fall well outside most circles that many Christians are comfortable with. But, like I said, I long ago stopped worrying what anybody else thinks of me. It's a very serene way to live. I'm very happy, I'm very much at peace. Like Tillich, I meditate; unlike Tillich, I also pray. I've learned a great deal lately from the Pali Canon and the Tao te Ching. I've also gotten to know Jesus perhaps better than ever. I still know that the intellectual case for faith is good, but not overwhelming. But I'm becoming more and more convinced that the existential case for faith can be — for those who seek it — downright irresistible.